Today is a bad day, mentally. Husband’s still out of work and actively looking for jobs. My new role at my job was great until they decided I was doing too well and needed more work. “The other agents are getting this level of work done every month without issue. Why do you think you’ll struggle?”

Because I know my attention level. It’s shit.

My original workload was about 265 evaluations a month (I’m the person that reviews other people’s work to make sure they’re following policy and not messing things up). They’ve now increased that by over 130 more evaluations. I was pushing to get my 265 done with the expectation that I’d have interruptions and possibly need breaks every now and then. Boosting me up to nearly 400–knowing I’m pulled in multiple directions daily just on a work basis and not taking into account the very real possibility of me having undiagnosed ADHD–and I’m seeing my future very clearly: working overtime every single day and not being able to take any time off.

I haven’t written in weeks. I’m barely able to function after I clock out. Getting out of bed in the morning is difficult. And I’m So. Damn. Tired.

But I can’t quit this job. If I do, we’ll be done for. Lose the house and probably have to sell most of our things. Our cats might have to find new homes (that would break me, I think). Have to move north, probably to live with his family in a frozen basement. I’d have to go back to working retail, which I swore I would NEVER do again.

My boss–who I’ve been very candid with regarding my issues with my attention level, and my hesitance to seek out doctors in order to properly diagnose me and get me medicated because of our current fund situation–is now trying to schedule time for me to shadow a coworker to “watch how they produce their work daily” to see if I “pick up a few things” to speed me up. And she’s already voiced to me her goal of getting everyone to between 430-450 evaluations a month before she can even consider hiring a new rep. I told her that I’d have to work OT every day just to maintain. Since February 1st, I have been working OT just to maintain, BARELY.

I don’t have the energy to push any harder to get ahead and give myself some space. I literally can’t. As it is, I’m already trying to work only cases I know I can get through quickly (unless there are major mistakes, which sadly, there are) which can be considered cherry picking. Yeah, but which is going to get me a worse telling off: cherry picking and reaching my goal using OT, or picking the cases at a true random, keeping my scheduled hours, and definitely NOT reaching the goal per our contract?

Yeah. I’m kind of fucked.

Burn out isn’t even a possibility for this month anymore; it’s GOING to happen.

And what really sucks about all this is that I started this role in a very promising way. My hiring boss requested me for the job. My current boss is trying to groom me as her second in command once she’s allowed to hire for that spot. I’m being included in calibration meetings to ensure that practices are the same between branches. I designed spreadsheets for easier tracking of things across departments (that very few people are even using, but whatever). But as is the norm for any corporation in the US: If you prove yourself a good and trustworthy employee, you are rewarded with more… work. Not pay. Not benefits. Not time off. In fact, you get “coached” if you take “too much” time off, even if it’s part of your yearly allotment.

I know what I need to do. I need to get a GP, to set up an appointment, to get a referral, to see a psychiatrist, to get medicated. But we’re already living kind of strained right now. Hubs had to liquidate his 401k in order to ensure we could eat and pay our necessary bills every month. I have no idea how much scheduling all those appointments and getting the meds is going to cost, and how long it will take to even get me on the right dosage to even make a difference. So I just have let the burnout happen, I guess.

Again.

That’s my rant for the day. Now, I’ll just sit in front of my computers and work through the tears.

-K